THE PARADOX OF PORN
NOTES ON GAY MALE SEXUAL CULTURE
BY DON SHEWEY
A White Crane/GayWisdom Interview with author Don Shewey by Paul Wirhun
Paul Wirhun: First of all, this is a great book and an important read. Has no one else really written as extensively on this subject? I particularly loved the lack of judgment in the tone throughout, and the observation about how personal the path is for one’s use of porn. I especially loved Sgt. Shewey’s discourse at the end of the book – might it possible to excerpt that and get it into other gay publications as a stand-alone essay? It might also draw more readers?!?
Don Shewey: Thanks, Paul, for your kind words. The only other book I’m aware of that specifically tackles gay men’s experience of pornography is a scholarly volume from 1996 called Hard to Imagine by Thomas Waugh. I haven’t read it. It’s expensive, $75, and not only hard to imagine but hard to find. It’s funny you should mention the idea of circulating my list of things-to-do as a stand-alone essay: I’ve just submitted it to The Advocate, which expressed interest in publishing an excerpt. So we’ll see.
Paul: I’m curious about the impetus for writing this – a long-term idea brewing? What prompted you to finally write it?
Don: I’m someone who has always enjoyed thinking and talking about sex in an open and unembarrassed way, maybe because I came of age during an enlightened period when feminism and gay liberation had a big impact on me and taught me to value the body and to know that “the personal is the political.”
Paul: Did it come from your therapy practice and what you were hearing from clients, or from a more personal cogitation?
Don: That background has served me well as a sex therapist. I’ve talked about the impact of pornography on gay men’s sex lives with clients for so many years that I finally decided it was time to write down some of the thoughts and perceptions I’ve been repeating in therapy sessions day after day after day.
Paul: Your humor throughout is very engaging and sets a relaxing tone. I’m glad that voice is included. Why do you think are we still so skittish to discuss porn? Is porn still in the closet? What do we admit by saying we use it; and what do we say about ourselves when we deny our use in public discourse, whether with friends/lovers/sex mates?
Don: I think many people have a hard time talking about sex at all. It’s so intimate and revealing. Many people live with shame about their desires, religious guilt, fear of other people’s judgments. It’s hard even for couples in established relationships to discuss the nitty-gritty details of sex.
There’s a prevailing myth that “talking about sex spoils it.” Even psychotherapists and physicians who are theoretically trained to deal with all aspects of human life get squeamish when it comes to talking about sex. There are some realms in which sex is accepted as healthy and positive, not to mention essential for life, but pornography always carries the air of the forbidden, the sleazy, which makes it extra-difficult to talk about in public or in private.
Paul: Do you think that there is a way to break through this “air of the forbidden, the sleazy” — which your book accomplishes – or do we remain stuck in this paradigm – and have to keep these conversations more private? Why must society keep our deepest desires ‘in the closet’ and labeled sleazy?
Don: We could say that the world might be a better place if everybody viewed all aspects of sexuality as acceptable, human, healthy, whatever, including homosexuality, masturbation, pornography, etc. There will always be people who do; there will probably always be people who don’t. Jungian analyst James Hillman might point out that sexual inhibitions are archetypal – they go with the territory of being human and there may be some evolutionary purpose for those inhibitions.
Paul: Some of the discourse with your clients really brought home for me two experiences: 1. How porn personally affected that person’s life/perspective of their own sex life, causing me to investigate my use of porn more mindfully (thank you!); and, 2. How each of us creates a story about the our own disjuncts in achieving personal erotic satisfaction, and how we get trapped in that story and view of ourselves; speak to the mirroring that happens in porn and how that affects our sense of selves and these narratives we cook up about ourselves and our sex lives, if you would?
Don: This is the essential paradox of porn, right? We’re drawn to it because there’s something we recognize about the heat, the lure of sex, the pleasure of looking at bodies engaged in sexy activity, the feelings the emerge in our own bodies looking at it. So, porn (erotic imagery of any kind) is a kind of mirror.
And at the same time, it is an edited medium, a product of technology, with its own memes and formulas and codes, and when you look at enough of it you start seeing porn as the template and you start copying what you see. For instance, I don’t think many people really like having someone ejaculate on their faces, but it’s such a mainstay of porn because it’s highly visual, so now guys think it’s perfectly acceptable, if not required. It’s an ongoing question – does porn reflect our tastes or create them?
Paul: Given that porn has always existed – I’m curious your take on how we interpret that, and the role it played in ancient cultures. Do we have a correct interpretation of how the erotic images in Pompeii, for instance, played into the lives of the Romans living with them? Can we be certain we are truly understanding the nature/role porn as part of the erotic lives of these past peoples, with the possible layering of meaning we might be doing from our current worldviews….
Don: It’s almost impossible to know how people in ancient times used the erotic imagery that archaeologists have dug up. In some cultures, sexual imagery is clearly taboo; in others, it’s uproariously funny. I’m not enough of a historian to know all the details. Walter Kendrick’s book The Secret Museum is a much more scholarly survey of the subject.
Paul: Porn has often driven new technologies and their wider use – the use of porn has helped the markets know which technologies would succeed and have uses in other forms of life: can you talk about your view of the erotic as the creator of new cultures/ideas?
Don: To me it speaks to the archetypal craving and curiosity about sexual bodies that when any new technology comes along, it often gets tested for prurient purposes.
Paul: Don, is there a way that you’ve seen that erotic desire/eros itself might be the generator of new ideas? Harry Hay once postulated to me that ideas are generated in the groin, but then cogitated (like a computer) by the mind – but that the mind processed the idea, though is not the originator. Thoughts?
Don: People who work with energy often consider that the second chakra (the genital region, in the Taoist tradition referred to as “the lower dantian”) relates not only to sexuality but also to creativity. I’ve definitely worked with artists (painters, writers, and performers) who have reported that erotic massage, especially Taoist (non-ejaculatory) erotic massage, has significantly stirred up creative energy.
Paul: When is watching too porn too much and deleterious for the viewer? Is this truly subjective – or are there ways of objectively knowing when too much has been reached? By whose standards are these set? Is it based within the person’s own ability to function otherwise in his life?
Don: I don’t think there’s any objective standard for what’s excessive porn consumption. I think of it the same way I think of eating, drinking, gambling, or watching TV – some people can do those things without causing any harm to themselves or others because they have an “off” button; others don’t and therefore can’t. Addiction specialists have long established parameters for ascertaining whether someone has problems with addictions or compulsions. If your habit of looking at porn interferes with your physical health, your professional responsibilities, your financial stability, and/or your functioning in personal relationships, then you may have a problem and could use help managing your use.
Paul: You write about how porn has a great educative effect, especially for gay men, who (used to) have little access to the how’s and why’s of various erotic acts/desires, yet you note that contemporary porn so “cuts to the chase” that there is little social engagement between the players as a way to show how porn might help ease those anxieties and teach certain etiquettes (like simple good manners) within a sexual hook-up.
Are we asking too much of porn to be more inclusive of these behaviors, as perhaps they would slow the pace of what we are now accustomed to and/or is our current atomized worldview, not allowing us to move more slowly in foreplay, that might address the subject at hand in our partners?
Don: I know – God forbid we should slow down, right? I don’t think it’s the job of porn producers (whether commercial studios or folks who post hand-held phone-camera videos on Tumblr blogs) to provide comprehensive sex education. I think it’s our job as viewers to have some semblance of critical thinking and to remember that what we see in porn is a selective, camera-friendly view of sex, not the whole story.
Paul: I find the quality of the erotic content in porn (within the type I like to watch — very masculine, muscular-body-builder fucking — is more dependent on the connection between the players, which I find very discernible, and more so than their bodily perfections. Too often two hot bodies slamming together without this emotional connection is truly boring and looks very scripted (especially when there’s no nuance within the erotic play). Why is this? I perceive that guys are thrown together in front of the camera without ever knowing each other (AT ALL!) beforehand; if I were directing porn, I’d set them up on their own to find out how they work well together to establish some level of connection before filming – does this happen at all?
Don: I have no special insight into the minds of people who produce commercial porn. For a long time, commercial porn was so formulaic it was almost by definition boring to watch more than three or four minutes at a time. With the emergence of amateur porn, the field has expanded immensely. It’s pretty amazing the range of stuff you can see online. And tastes are so individual. There used to be a fair amount of money to be made selling porn. Nowadays, I’m not so sure because there’s so much you can watch for free, so there’s less incentive to try to appeal to some lowest-common-denominator fantasies.
Paul: Do you see how home-made porn has influenced the content and styles of the commercial porn producers since the internet has become the widest medium for streaming erotica?
Don: A European filmmaker whom I admire whose “nom de porn” is “Antonio DaSilva” produced a fascinating film called Spunk that picks up on the extremely creative forms of self-presentation that have emerged via social media, especially the filters available on Snapchat and Instagram and platforms I don’t know too much about, combining avatars and animation in amazing ways.
Paul: Given the rise of AI and 3D goggles, do you see porn moving into this new faux world of artificial interaction? Is this new tech a possible way for the physically disabled or the elderly to create erotic realities in their body/minds through this new tech?
Don: It’s inevitable that virtual reality will include porn scenarios, though I haven’t seen any yet. I’ve never thought about what that would mean for differently abled people or elderly folks – it might be unbelievably thrilling for them.
Paul: The ever new in porn. Have you heard from clients that they explore new erotic desires through porn? Always seeking the new in different porn? Or new versions of the same? What effect on one’s self-pleasuring and relating to others sexually? We now also have these new technologies for hooking up (Grindr, Scruff), making us all kids in a new candy store – do you think this novelty will wear off over time or will it exacerbate our ability to really connect thus altering our sex culture?
Don: I think it’s absolutely a mixed blessing. There’s enough variety when you’re clicking around porn sites, hookup apps, Tumblr blogs, etc., that you’re bound to find things that are familiarly exciting as well as stuff that you’ve never seen or done that pique your curiosity.
That said, I think most guys tend to gravitate to the tried-and-true, the most efficient path to getting off, and that tends to reinforce patterns that can get stale and increasingly less satisfying.
What I’ve observed among therapy clients is a lot of intimidation – guys look at porn and think that any potential partner will expect them to be agreeable to and adept at the full array of sexual activity. “If I do anything, I have to do everything, and if I’m not up for everything, I’d better do nothing.” I feel a lot of compassion and concern for younger guys who’ve had the internet at their fingertips since the first glimmer of sexual interest, because they’ve grown up with a lot of extreme images and some unrealistic ideas of what it’s like to interact sexually with an actual person.
One of the saddest sentences a client ever said to me was, “I watched twenty gang-bangs online before I ever kissed a boy.” This is where I would like there to be more conversation about porn among gay men, to make it known that there are lots of sexual/intimate/erotic pleasures to be had that don’t necessarily look like porn.
Paul: I liked your inclusion of Pan in the perspective of wild sex, that not bounded by the constraints of society; I often wondered if the reason so many urban faggots are on the prowl so much is that sex is our connection to the wild within, Nature itself rising up, thus we access that energy thru the co-mingling of our bodies; yet this wilding is worked within the phenomena of capitalist society and its culture of consumerism – what different from the hoarder to the ever consumer of porn? Wherein exist the boundaries that allow for being wild while being productive, and is this desire for productivity part of capitalism?
Don: Thanks for mentioning the chapter on Wild Sex, which is one of the more personal sections of the book. You clearly know a lot about this subject and have much to say about it. I don’t know if I have a lot to say about this exact subject, how self-pleasuring with porn taps into the potential for communing with nature (represented by our own bodies). But I’m aware that you have done some very cool, beautiful, and funny artwork exploring that kind of wildness, which I have admired and treasured and hope you will continue to offer to the world.
Paul: “Mesmerizing” is a quality of watching porn that is highly arousing. Nothing brings more focus to mind than a throbbing cock (or hole) in your face, that it how desire can bring one into a state of meditation thru getting into a sort of trance in watching really HOT porn (whatever that means for you) as your bodies fluids are racing about and breathing rises and falls: talk about the spiritual/energetic functions embraced with erotic mesmerism achieved in porn.
Don: You’re talking about a key element of sexuality, whether expressed in contact with others or by yourself, with or without porn. We are drawn to the experience of transcendence, the feeling of merger with infinity that is possible when you tap into sexual pleasure and connection. There is something elemental, primal, eternal, divine about that experience that is known by people who have experienced erotic trance or sexual ecstasy.
There’s often a thin line between inhabiting that erotic trance in a way that is liberating and nourishing and getting snagged in a repetition compulsion that doesn’t necessarily feed your soul. Navigating your way along that line is a spiritual/existential task for all of us, on the way to joy and self-knowledge.
The Paradox of Porn by Don Shewey Publication date: July 15, 2018
Paperback, $19.99, 978-1-7321344-0-9 E-book, $4.99, 978-1-7321344-1-6
226 pages
Don Shewey is a writer, therapist, and pleasure activist in New York City. He has published three books about theater and written hundreds of articles for the New York Times, the Village Voice, Esquire, Rolling Stone, and other publications. He is a psychotherapist whose private practice specializes in sex and intimacy coaching. (See bodyandsoulwork.com) His new book, The Paradox of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Sexual Culture, has just been published by Joybody Books.
Paul Wirhun (Rosie Delicious) is an artist, writer, editor, performer, freak and radical faerie sex magician currently working on a memoir about his adventures in the land of sex & spirit. His works with egg shell are widely known (Paulwirhun.com), he is part of the collective that publishes RFD, the oldest queer zine in the country, and co-facilitates Sex Magick workshops begun by Harry Hay.
© 2018 White Crane Institute
